my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
