in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
