there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
