I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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