Are we in a gay sports bar?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There r osticjed everywhere
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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