PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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