Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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