coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
