i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
