hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
