It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
