i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
