I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
