it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
