I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
