Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
