Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
