so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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