The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
