happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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