The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
