so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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