a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
