My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
