god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
