Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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