It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
