Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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