if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
