I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
