I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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