Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
