I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
