I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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