I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
