I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
