i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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