I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
