Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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