A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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