She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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