So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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