I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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