Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
