i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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