I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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