I feel like abortions should bother me more
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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