2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
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