Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
