I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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