please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
