All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
