no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize