I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize