So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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