how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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