You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
