So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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