Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
