I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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