he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
