Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
