i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
