his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
