I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
