I hate your face
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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