Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
True strength comes from lack of pants
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
